In chapter 2 of the Bhagavad Gita, one of our most important yoga texts, we are instructed to perform our duty, or righteous action, with samatvam (equanimity), while letting go of attachment to success or failure. As I rest on my couch for 50 minutes out of every hour, I am reminded of the importance of this teaching.
While I am doing my best to be patient, my mind is often drawn to the future, and my attachment to regaining my strength and mobility as soon as possible. Yet it is clear to me that when I think this way, it brings a sense of dejection and sadness. Wondering when I will be able to return to full activity, I become anxious.
When I stay in the present, I am much more tranquil and content. So I follow doctor’s orders, allow myself to rest and heal, and enjoy the variety of activities available to me at this time. Then I am much more at peace.
Each day now has a bit of a rhythm. A session of pranayama upon waking. Back to bed for green tea and New York Times puzzles. An hour later, ten minutes of gentle yoga, and then back to bed for a chai. The rest of the day consists of “in bed” activities – reading, games, watching the Olympics, YouTube scrolling, alternated with my 10 minutes of “out of bed” activities – walking, yoga, and piano practice. I am enjoying healthy and nourishing meals provided by my friends and husband. I am being fully supported to do what I am supposed to be doing – to rest and to heal.
For the first two weeks, resting was easier because I was so exhausted. But as I feel better and have a little more energy, it has become harder to stay in bed. But it is necessary, and so I must surrender to it. Progress seems excruciatingly slow. My leg is stiff and sore, yet it does feel incrementally better.
Based on how I’m feeling now and some research, I realize that this recovery is going to take longer than I anticipated. I’m doing my best to come to terms with that. My challenge now is to remain in a state of equanimity, releasing attachment to success.
What is this success I am so attached to? Getting better more quickly, of course! Could I not redefine success as my ability to surrender to this moment as it is? But my egoic mind wants to define success as healing faster and better than any patient ever has in the history of lymphedema surgery! Recognizing this tendency does help. I return to the now and let go.
I am deeply touched by the kindness of my friends and students at this time. Thank you for your cards, flowers, food, emails, texts, and responses to this blog. Even if I have not heard from you, I know that many of you are praying for me and holding me in your hearts.
With love and thanks,
Karen
Your writing reminded me of a book title I haven’t thought about for years by Barry Stevens and is called “Don’t push the river (It flows by itself).” It is the author’s account of a three-month, Gestalt personal growth experience. I remember nothing of the content. But I still like the title.
Wishing you well,
Karen
It sounds like you are managing everything amazingly well!
I imagine the slow healing process and the restrictions on your movement are challenging, but I am impressed with your efforts to be in the present and work where you are with what is possible.
Cheers and love to you!
Thank you so much, Karen. That’s a good reminder. I appreciate your good wishes.
Thank you, Julie.
Karen, I am thinking of you. I am impressed by your patience and acceptance in dealing with the seemingly slow healing process, and your success in finding ways to enjoy life with your current limitations. Lean in to the wonderful things you usually don’t have time for and can do now. Sending you love and healing thoughts. Kim
Thank you so much, Kim. I really appreciate your kind message.