Intention and Attention

Thank you for the flowers, food, cards, and messages. I appreciate your care and support!

As I prepare to start teaching again next week, I’ve been thinking about how I respond when life does not meet my expectations. Disappointment, frustration, rethinking. Breathing, resetting, and settling into what is. I will be returning to the studio with much healing and recovery still ahead of me. This requires acceptance, humbleness, and patience.

My leg is very stiff, sore, and numb. It sounds odd to say that it is sore and numb at the same time – the muscles are sore and the skin is numb. I can only bend my knee 90°. This is partly because I’ve been wearing compression bandages 24/7, which hold my knee in a straight position, and because the knee still has significant swelling. I am confident that my knee mobility will come back, but it will take time.

Even with these limitations, I know from experience that I can still provide my students with a positive learning experience. Making the needed physical adjustments while teaching seems doable. My greater challenge is more mental and emotional – to let go of my expectation of where I thought I would be and make peace with where I am.

My current situation has led me to reflect upon the paradox of dreaming big while also having realistic expectations. The amazing yoga teacher Mary Dunn used to say that we could hold more than one truth at the same time. So, when I say dream big, it means that I can visualize, imagine, and feel myself returning to full vibrant health and radiant well-being. And at the same time, realistic expectations tell me that this recovery is a process that I cannot rush, and that my body will take whatever amount of time it needs to heal.

My intention is to heal, but to optimize that process, my attention must be in the present.

Both dreams and expectations are focused on the future. The principle of intention places some emphasis on the future. We set a goal. We choose strategies. We chart a course. Whereas attention is completely in this moment. Intention focuses on what we want to do. Attention focuses on what we are doing. Intention focuses on what we plan. Attention focuses on how things are now.

While abiding in the timeless present is one of the most fundamental teachings of yoga, I’ve had to return to this foundational principle repeatedly over the last month to ground myself and keep my mind steady and calm. It means not worrying about how long healing will take or when I will be able to do a certain pose again. I instead choose to focus on what I need to do right now. What is a healing activity or thought right now? What is skillful action right now? What does letting go feel like right now?

It is clearer than ever that the two great pillars of yoga – abhyasa (practice) and vairagya (detachment) absolutely must function together for me to maintain my physical health, mental clarity and emotional serenity.

I want to give my students some idea of what to expect next week. For at least the first part of the week, I will still be wearing compression bandages, so the shape of my ankle, knee, thigh and pelvis may look odd. There is now a significant size difference between my two thighs. The surgical thigh is quite small. It is likely that the thighs will even out to some degree over time, but that could take up to a year. The surgical thigh will regain some muscle and fat, and the non-surgical thigh may lose some of its excess lymphatic fluid due to the jumpstart to the whole lymphatic system. I am working to accept this difference in appearance and to remain grateful for the improved health and function of my lymphatic system.

I will see the doctor again on March 4, so I will continue to be conservative with my yoga practice until I’m cleared for more vigorous activity. There are some poses I will be able to demonstrate and others that I will ask students to show. I will organize my classes so that I can spend at least 50% of the time sitting with my leg elevated.

I want to again express my deep gratitude for all the love and support I’ve received. It is so deeply touching. I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I will be happy to see you at the studio.

With love and appreciation,
Karen